Mr Monk Discovers Fan Fiction
by Ayla Pascal
Summary: Mr Monk discovers fan fiction while browsing the Internet. Crackfic. Rating has increased!
1. Chapter 1

Monk was almost happy. He had bought a laptop yesterday and he spent all afternoon cleaning the keyboard, under the keys and the mouse. He had almost rearranged the folders in the computer but Natalie had stopped him.

"It won't work that way, Mr Monk," she told him.

Julie had helped him set up the Internet on the computer. "It's a way of finding out new information," she told him. "It's like a library."

"We'll be back tomorrow," Natalie told him as she left with Julie.

- *

Monk clicked on the little red fox button. No, icon, he corrected himself.

It did nothing.

Oh! He had to double-click.

He double-clicked.

The browser window opened. Monk stared at the Google search box. Now what could he look up? There were so many possibilities! He could look up new ways to clean his bathroom. He could discover new and better vacuuming methods. He furrowed his brow.

And then it hit him. He could look up Trudy.

Slowly, he typed in her name. T-R-U-D-Y M-O-N-K.

And then he moved the pointer to the search button and clicked.

Monk stared at the thousands and thousands of entries. There was no way he could read so many entries.

Maybe he could try something else? He could look up his friend Stottlemeyer. Slowly, he deleted the word Trudy and typed in Stottlemeyer.

As the page loaded, Monk looked again at what he had typed. M-O-N-K S-T-O-T-T-L-E-M-E-Y-E-R

He was about to press the backspace button again when he looked at the second entry.

"Monk slashfic".

"I wonder what that could be," Monk said to himself. He clicked on the link.

"MonkSlash. Because he needs the love."

Monk blinked. He stared at the pictures. They were of him, Leland and Randy. Together. He recognized some of them.

With trepidation, he scrolled downwards to read.

- *

A few hours later, Monk still sat there staring at his computer, open-mouthed in horror.

There was somebody out there, or somebodies out there who believed that he was having _relations_ with Leland or Randy, or sometimes both of them at the same time! And obviously both Leland and Randy were together.

He wondered briefly whether it was Marci again but he then dismissed the thought. She seemed to want him for herself.

Monk shuddered.

Some of the things people described him doing. He never even knew that people could do those things. How was it possible? He certainly wasn't that flexible.

He scrolled to the bottom of one story and saw a "Leave a comment" link.

I can tell these people that they are completely and utterly wrong, Monk thought as he clicked the link.

- *

A few hours later, Monk clicked back to the site and discovered he had received a response.

_How dare you say that? Monk and Stottlemeyer are destined to be together!_

Monk felt slightly sick. He responded: _That is patently untrue. Adrian Monk loves his wife Trudy._

A few minutes later: _You obviously haven't been watching canon properly! Trudy is dead._

Monk frowned. He didn't know what canon was but he knew that his wife was dead. He still loved her. He didn't even take off the ring.

With a sigh, he typed another response.

- *

A day later, Natalie let herself into Monk's house with her spare key.

"Mr Monk," she called. "Are you okay?"

She didn't hear a response so she walked to the living room where she could hear the clacking of keys. Monk was sitting there, typing furiously into his keyboard.

"What are you doing?"

Monk waved a hand at her. "I am fixing things. It's all wrong!"

Natalie was puzzled and looked over his shoulder. It looked as though he was writing some sort of story.

Oh well, she thought, at least he's being creative!


	2. Chapter 2

Author Notes: All fics mentioned in this fic are entirely imaginary. *g* All comments and posts also do not exist.

-*

Monk had discovered, through his detective skills, that there were sites other than monkslash out there where people wrote imaginary stories featuring him. He shuddered. He finally understood what Marci was talking about when she mentioned fanfiction. Somehow, he was less disturbed by her ideas than he was by some of the things he had read.

He decided to return to the monkslash LiveJournal community to check on the comments on his story. He had a brief moment of panic that people would realize that he was the real Adrian Monk. Surely it was obvious from his story? Perhaps they would all come and ask him to solve cases for them?

Monk decided that he was definitely not going to post more stories. It was just too dangerous.

Slowly and laboriously, he typed in the address of the community in the Internet browser window. He clicked the down arrow on the side of the browser several times and then came across his story. Mr Monk Loves Trudy.

Monk smiled. People were bound to love his story. It was so patently true. And there was already a comment! He clicked on the comment link and almost fell off his chair in shock.

The comment began with:

_You have an amusing username. *g*_

Monk frowned. He had thought that sfpd_monk was quite a good username. And what was that "g" at the end of the sentence? He was puzzled.

_Your story is just a vignette. As such, it was okay, but you really shouldn't have posted it here! This is a slash community and your story is obviously het. _

Monk felt like the person was speaking a whole different language. He walked over to his bookshelf and picked up his Oxford dictionary but he couldn't seem to find the correct definitions of the word het and slash.

Slowly he typed a response.

_What do you mean by het and slash?  
_

A few minutes later, the person wrote:

_Slash means homosexual relationships. Here's an example. Het indicates heterosexual relationships. Your story, having Monk and Trudy together is het. _

Monk clicked on the word "Here". He had just recently learned that a blue or underlined word generally meant the word took you to a whole new page. It was a marvelous, miraculous invention.

He started reading.

_Randy gasped as Leland slammed him against the wall. This is so wrong, he thought as Leland kissed a trail along his neck, but fuck, it felt so good. "Oh, god," Randy managed to get out as he felt Leland's body press up against his. The feeling of Leland's cock hardening against his thigh… _

Monk slammed his laptop shut.

He needed a shower. A steaming hot shower to erase that image from his mind. Leland and Randy never did anything like that. He was absolutely positive.

-*

Two hours and five showers later, Monk finally felt clean enough to return to his laptop. Firstly, however, he had to wipe down his keyboard and screen. They were also sullied.

_You are disgusting. _

Not five minutes later, the response came back:

_Oh don't tell me. You're one of those anti-slash people. :( _

Monk stared. What was that little colon and the bracket at the end of the sentence. It confused him.

Briefly he considered taking another shower, but satisfied himself with wiping his hands with his wipes instead.

He decided to go and look at some of the other sites. Perhaps this site called fanfiction . net would be less horrifying.


End file.
